We're Broken and Hurting
by Inspired by Your Love
Summary: RPF: Darren/Lea "He sits in the dark wood rocking chair for what he estimates to be an hour just holding the bunny and silently crying for the son he'll never get to meet."


**Title:** We're Broken and Hurting**  
>Chapter:<strong> 1/1  
><strong>Character: <strong>Lea/Darren  
><strong>Genre:<strong> Angst/Hurt/Comfort**  
>Summary: <strong>"He sits in the dark wood rocking chair for what he estimates to be an hour just holding the bunny and silently crying for the son he'll never get to meet."  
><strong>Warning:<strong> This story contains miscarriage which I realize is a very sensitive subject to cover. I wouldn't be writing about this if I did not have extensive knowledge on it (way beyond anything one could find by researching on the internet).  
><strong>Word <strong>**Count: **2,703**  
>Disclaimer:<strong> Don't own.**  
>Prompt:<strong> 25(dot)media(dot)tumblr(dot)com/tumblr_ltbivct2Ji1qhk1tdo1_500(dot)jpg just replace "(dot)" with the actual punctuation mark.

She has never been so devastated in her life. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to her as an individual and them as a married couple (as a couple in general). She blames herself, even though the little voice inside her head (that sounds exactly like her husband) is telling her that she's being ridiculous and that she couldn't possibly have done _anything_ to prevent this from happening.

Except, she could have. She could have told Darren when she started feeling slight pains in her stomach _that__ day._She could have told her director that something was wrong when he asked her why she looked a little pale instead of just brushing it off and telling him that the morning sickness must have made a comeback. She could have done so many things differently to prevent her from losing her baby. But she didn't and now her little boy is gone and it's all her fault. She's never hated herself more.

He knows she blames herself even though he is constantly telling her that nothing she could have done would have stopped it from happening. As much as it pains him to say, it was their son's time to go. And he feels slightly childish thinking it but he's angry at God for taking their son away from them. It's not fair. Their baby didn't even get the chance to live, to meet them, to just experience even a moment of life before he was ripped away from them so cruelly.

Sometimes, late at night when he knows Lea is sleeping, he goes into Jonah's (it's been 2 months and just thinking his name still sends a sharp knife through his heart) room. He doesn't do much in there, just walks around it once, touching his clothes and running his hand along his crib. Then, he grabs the stuffed bunny; it was the first thing they bought him together – Lea saw it once when they were shopping for necessities and immediately fell in love with it, so Darren took it off the shelf and placed it into her hands, kissing her forehead gently before moving on to the cribs they had been heading towards. He sits in the dark wood rocking chair for what he estimates to be an hour just holding the bunny and silently crying for the son he'll never get to meet. He always makes sure he's back in their bed with no trace of him in Jonah's room before Lea wakes up.

Contrary to what he believes, Lea knows that Darren goes into Jonah's room at exactly 3:30 am every day. She's been more aware of him than she thought possible ever since _that __day _and she can always feel when he's left the bed. He spends exactly an hour in the nursery and then comes back to bed, finally able to get a few hours of sleep before they both have to wake up to get ready for work. She's always been morbidly curious as to what exactly he does during that one hour but she never gets out of bed to check on him. He stays strong for her all day, so she knows the least she can do is allow him to have the hour to grieve without worrying about her.

Their friends tell them both that the way they're living is not healthy; that they should talk to each other if they're not going to see a professional. The first time Dianna and Naya sit her down to tell her that they need to get help, Lea flies completely off the handle. She goes off on them and yells that they have no idea what they're talking about. She tells them that if they ever bring it up again, she'll never speak to them. She sobs to Darren about how horrible she feels for screaming at her best friends later that night but they never talk about what set her off. They can't; it just hurts too much when they try.

The girls both forgive her when she calls them the next day to apologize and then they let her change the subject to planning their next shopping trip.

Darren's first confrontation after the miscarriage doesn't go as horribly as Lea's does. It's actually quite calm, but then again he's not surprised because it isn't really a confrontation. It's mostly a conversation with a loved one expressing concern for his well-being. His father-in-law, Marc, shows up at their apartment when he knows that his daughter isn't home. Marc sits him down and asks him how he's doing. He just looks at Darren silently when he tries to tell him that he's fine. After a few moments' silence, Darren cracks and tells Marc _everything._ Afterwards, he feels so relieved that he was finally able to get it all off his chest, he cries in front of his father-in-law for the first time.

Marc doesn't try to soothe him with falsely comforting words. Instead, he just sits next to him and tells him that he knows what they're going through is very difficult and that it can be hard to see the silver lining anywhere in the situation. He tells him that he knows that they're strong enough to make it through this. His parting words are, "you need to tell Lea exactly what you told me, Darren. I know my daughter, she'll understand. And I also know it's killing her that you won't talk to her but she doesn't want you to feel like she's suffocating you."

It's a month after that particular conversation before Lea finally breaks down completely. Darren is making dinner for the both of them and suggests that she go soak in the bath that he had ready for her, until dinner was finished. She sends him a small smile and thanks him quietly before making her way upstairs to the master bathroom and the big tub that they have in there.

She's standing front of the full-length mirror in nothing but her embroidered silk robe with her stomach exposed. She runs her hands along her now flat tummy, letting the tears stream silently down her face as she remembers with vivid detail the day she lost her baby.

_Darren __laughed __as __he__ listened__ to__ Lea __complain __about __how_ his_ son __was __being __a __pain __in__ her __ass__ for __constantly __making __her __crave __foods __that __she __hadn__'__t __had __in __years. __He __loved __when __she __got __like __this. __All __worked __up __over __something__ he __knew __she __wasn__'__t __truly __upset __about. __Darren __knew __that __she__ complained __just __because __she __could __and__ that __she __was __more __than __happy __to__ eat __whatever __foods __she__ thought __their __son __was__ telling__ her __he __wanted._

_ "You're so adorable, LeeLee," he says when she's paused as she takes a bite of one of the strawberries he's just washed. _

_ "I'm serious, Dare," she whines, "You're so – "_

_ She suddenly stops speaking mid-sentence, doubling over in pain as Darren runs to her side. _

_ "What is it baby," he asks, somewhat frantically. "What's wrong?"_

_ Lea shakes her head because she just can't seem to form the words but merely points down at her white shorts where Darren can see a red spot forming and getting larger by the second. He panics completely when he realizes what's happening. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone out of his pocket and dials 911 as carries Lea to the car, grabbing her hospital bag along the way._

_ The drive to the hospital is done in a daze as he tries to mentally prepare himself for what's happening and what they might have to do. He doesn't want to assume the worst but he knows that his wife bleeding while she's pregnant can never be a good thing. That doesn't stop him from praying harder than he's ever prayed for anything in his life that he's wrong and that everything is going to be fine with his wife and son._

_ He knows his prayer is going to go unanswered when the doctor gets a grim look on his face when Darren informed him that Lea had slipped on the set of her newest television series 3 days prior. All he can hear after that is "miscarriage" "placenta" "umbilical chord" and "suffocation". The doctor tells him that Lea is okay but they had to give her something for the panic attack she had when she saw the baby after they pulled him out. Darren nods numbly when he's told he can go in to see his wife. _

_He punches the wall before he even realizes he's moved. The head nurse from the front desk rushes over and asks him to calm down or she'll have to call security to escort him out. He clenches his fists in anger before breathing deeply to compose himself and making his way down to Lea's room. _

_She's laying on her side facing away from the door when he gets there. He can see her shoulders shaking and hear her muffled sobs and it tears his heart to shreds. He walks to the hospital bed and gently places his hand on her shoulder so he doesn't startle her. She turns around quickly and her crying increases when she sees it's him. _

"_I'm sorry," she sobs, "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, I'm so sorry."_

"_Shh," Darren says as he sits beside her on the bed, gathering her up in his arms and hugging her close to his body. "Don't say that. It's not your fault at all. You didn't do anything wrong."_

_Lea shakes her head vigorously as he speaks, "but it is my fault. I didn't go to the doctor when I fell and I didn't listen to you when you asked me to take it easy. I'm so sorry."_

_Darren kisses the top of her head when she buries her face in his chest. He doesn't blame her for what happened because he knows it's not her fault. She didn't do anything to purposely harm their son. It was an accident. And he should have known better than to ask her to take a break from work. Lea loves what she does and they had already compromised that she would be going on maternity leave in a month._

_That all means nothing now that their son, their baby boy, is gone._

Darren wanders upstairs when his calls for Lea go unanswered. He looks into their bedroom curiously and sees that she isn't there so he moves on to their bathroom, figuring she's still in the bath. When he finally spots Lea, she's on her knees in front of the full length mirror crying harder than he's ever seen from his wife and he can tell she's having a difficult time trying to breathe.

Lea feels it when Darren comes into the bathroom and she really wishes he hadn't come up. She doesn't want him to see her this way. No matter how many times she's cried to him or in front of him, she's always made sure that she had a handle on herself and her emotions. She's never allowed him to see her this way; so completely broken and out of control. She can't let him because she knows what it will do to him and she doesn't want him to hurt more than he already does. She couldn't live with herself if she inflicted anymore pain on him than she already has.

"Go back down," Lea manages to say through her sobbing.

"Lea," Darren says in a soft voice as he moves to her side and settles next to her, "I'm not going to leave you here alone like this, sweetheart."

He pulls her onto his lap and strokes her hair when she lays her head on his chest. They sit in silence that way for a little while before Darren speaks up. "I think we should talk about it. About – about Jonah and what happened. We really can't keep living like this, Lea. Scared to mention our own son's name because of the pain we know will be there, waiting to suffocate us. I mean, are you happy with the way things are? How different we are, even to each other?"

"Of course I'm not," Lea says, looking up at him with a fire in her eyes that he hasn't seen since before the miscarriage. "Why would I be happy with the fact that my own husband has to tiptoe around me so he doesn't say something to set me off? How can I want to live this way, where you can't even call me b-baby anymore because it reminds me of _him _and it just kills me inside? I want to talk about it and try to move on but I _just__ can__'__t._"

"Well why can't you," Darren raises his voice a little with his growing frustration. He never gets angry with her, he can't. Not after all that happened but he's just so hurt that she won't even try to talk to him when he's practically begging her to.

"Because I can't even so much as _think_ his name without wanting to just _die,_" she yells back, removing herself from his lap and pacing the floor in front of him quickly, wringing her hands and tugging her hair in frustration. "I _hate _myself for what happened, for what I could have done to _prevent _it from happening but didn't. I can't help but feel that God is punishing me for trying to work while I was so far along in the pregnancy. I deserve it but you don't. You deserve so much more than the pain I've caused you but you still stay with me and I just – I want to know _why._"

"You really want to know why," Darren replied his voice considerably softer now and Lea nods discretely. "It's because I love you, so damn much. When we got married, I took our vows very seriously and I still do, Lea. I will never leave you, no matter what. The miscarriage – losing Jonah – was not your fault. It was an accident and I do not blame you for it, I never will. The only thing that's causing me more pain than losing Jonah is seeing you suffer and not letting me help you. We both lost a son that day, Lee. I need you just as much as you need me. I wish you would just let me in so we can start to heal together. I love you so much and I just want us to get better. Please, Lea."

The moments following were filled with a painful silence as Darren waited for his wife to process and respond to his speech. He meant every word of it and he could only hope that she knew that.

Slowly, as if afraid to scare her off, Darren stood and approached Lea, placing his hand on her cheek and turning her face up to him. He searched her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief as he found exactly what he was looking for in their depths. This time, Lea was the one that hugged him first. She wrapped her arms around his middle and buried her face in his chest for a moment, breathing in his scent, before looking up at him with tears in her eyes.

"You're right," she whispered. "You're right and I'm so sorry for not seeing that sooner. For not realizing that you're just as broken and hurting as I am. I've been so selfish and I regret it completely. I promise, I won't try to keep you out anymore Dare. It'll take me a little bit to open up completely but I promise, no more shutting you out. I love you, too."

Leaning up slightly, Lea just barely brushed her lips against his before pulling away and pressing her forehead to his. As they gazed into each others eyes, they knew that while it would take hem some time, they would be okay again. They would be able to heal and move on. Still, they would never forget their first baby boy. He would always remain special in their hearts and in their memories.


End file.
